Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Hope and Worry

I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant with Callie.  Sitting patiently, watching and waiting for the line in the window to turn pink.  A little scared to look because I wanted to avoid being disappointed if it wasn't there.  And when the faint, pink line turned bright fuchsia along came the wave of relief, joy, and excitement that our dreams were going to happen.  

That moment of pure joy and excitement truly lasts for just a moment.  Because the next thought and conversation goes something like, "maybe we should wait to tell people, it is early, what if something happens."  And so begins the wait to get past that first trimester marker.  Hope and worry gets littered in between thoughts of baby names and nursery colors.    

And then you make it to the end of week twelve and along comes that wave of relief and joy and excitement as you spread the word to friends and family.  You begin talking about due dates and gender reveals, will you find out or won't you.  And through the next six month of pregnancy, through the crib assembly and finding the perfect mobile, your anticipation and excitement for baby is still always sifted through the hope and worry filter that there could still be complications. You pray, please just let me have a healthy baby and all will be okay.

The day finally comes.  It's a girl!  My Callie is here. She is healthy and beautiful and we love every inch of her.  And here comes the wave again.  Relief.  Joy.  Excitement.  But every mom out there knows that it's not over for our good friends hope and worry.  And the seasoned, veteran moms out there know that the birth of baby is just the beginning of a lifetime relationship with hope and worry.


There is a pattern.  The tidal wave comes in carrying relief, joy and excitement and the tide goes back out filtered with hoping for the best and worrying about the worst.  In and out in a steady rhythm.  And as parents we can put whatever marker on the beach we want.  The healthy birth of baby...look out, here comes the wave of relief, joy and excitement.  And out goes the hope that you know what to do with your new baby and the worries about SIDS and choking and a million other what ifs.

My first baby is six years old.  The waves are still coming in and out.  Some of the waves are smaller.  Like the relief and joy and excitement I have when she makes it to school safe and sound and the hope and worry that she has to do it again the next day.  Some moms have 20 year old babies heading out to Europe to see the world.  Others have 40 year old babies.  My grandma has 60 year old babies.  And from what I hear, the waves keep rolling in and out.  I'm thinking I should buy some life jackets for all us mommas, for the mommas just starting out, the veterans and everyone in between.  How many should I buy?

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