Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Dose of Mom Guilt

Last night was just a foreshadow for today's events.  Lexi has not been well since...let me think...pretty much her entire life. The number of not well days out numbers her well days by a landslide.  So last night when she was restless in her sleep, whimpering, coughing, and crying out at times,  she ended up snuggling into Mama Bear's bed for comfort and love.  Jon had been summoned by a coughing and stuffy-nosed big girl at some point in the night looking for someone to ease her uncomfortableness.

When daylight arrived this morning and we all rubbed the sleep from our eyes and kick-started our morning routine to get out the door on time, Callie asks the question that she asks nearly I'm her personal blackberry and she is checking her schedule..."Is it a school day, a daycare day, or a home day?"

I tell her that it is a day care day.  The daycare that she has been going to since she was 11 months old is like her second home.  And the other children have been there as long as her.  And now she is showing her little sister the ropes.  It is like their other family.  Callie has never fussed or complained about going to the land of kids and toys and games at the daycare.  From the first day I dropped her off she hit the ground running.  I had been prepared by other mom's about tearful goodbyes, toddlers hanging on to your leg begging you not to go...but that didn't happen with Callie. Independent I guess.

So today when I told her it was a daycare day she pondered it for a minute...and then said, "When is our next at home day? I just want to stay home today."  This tiny little plea pulls so hard on a working mom's heartstrings.  And it pulls even harder when it comes from your big girl who has never not wanted to go to daycare before doubled with the fact that I know she is stuffy and coughing and didn't sleep well. 

The thought of staying home today races through my mind...what do I need to do to make this happen...cancel this, reschedule that...oh, it just can't be done today.  So I tell Callie..."just a couple more days and it will be the weekend."  I talk it up.  It's a long weekend... neither Mommy or Daddy have to work for three whole days...we'll have pyjama day and movie other words...just hang in there Babes.  Please?

We continue on with our morning routine without any incidents...just the wiping a couple of runny noses and giving numerous reminders to cover your mouth. The girls run into the daycare and fall right into its well rehearsed rituals and I continue on to the office.

So when I got the call this afternoon from the daycare "mom" saying Lexi is not well my Mama Bear instincts wanted to drop everything and run to my baby.  I wanted to say..."too bad guys, you'll have to handle it on your own, this Mama's gotta go."  And I just have to say that the girls' daycare "mom" has 30 years experience. There is nothing she hasn't seen, handled and taken care of.  And the clincher...she never calls me at work so I know somethings up...and its not good.

As I type this post, both girls are tucked into their cozy beds with their fuzzy winter jammies, wrapped in their blankies, humidifiers pumping, reaping the benefits of their medication...from our trip to the doctor to treat their bronchitis.  And I am going to let myself feel the guilt.  The guilt from dismissing Callie's tiny plea to have a home day today.  The guilt from sending my girls to daycare and having to be called at work to tend to my precious babies.  The guilt from when the doctor asks, with a raised eyebrow, "She's been coughing for how long?"  And I will feel it again tomorrow when I go back for a second round of hugs and kisses from my sweet girls as I head out the door leaving them them to fight of their cold bugs with Grandma and Papa.  Ahh the guilt.  I will feel it.  Experience it.  Wrap myself in it.  And then I will let it go...I will let it go and forgive myself.  I will reapply for the Mother of the Year Award next year.

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